I’m so close to puking my brains out and cutting that it’s not funny by any means… that just completely DESTORYED me… And I have to go about fighting every single thought in my head because one comment on a ducking status towards me brought up all the memories from my past with my uncle and its getting to me… Because I still occasionally tell Derek how I want to visit my uncle and everyone else when I’m feeling suicidal… And you just can’t tell someone that they don’t know how others feel at all, if you don’t even know what they’ve been through when it comes to death… my only thoughts is my last comment:” I grew up with my uncle being my father figure for 16 years, him being my shoulder to cry on, my best friend to get advice from, the one person I’d always go to when I thought about suicide. To him, and to me, I was one of his own. I grew up knowing that even though my own father was never really a part of my life, my dad was. Because James was more of a dad than my father was. I’d visit for months at a time, I’d call as frequently as I could, and he called as often as he could… don’t tell me that I don’t know what it’s like to lose a parental figure when you don’t understand everything I’ve gone through… he was my dad and my everything for the longest time and I cry every single time I think about him, hear that name, hear something about a hawk, turtle or Buddha because those are things that remind me of, and highly relate to him. I break down any time I look at the sky because I feel his presence around me every single step I take… I carry some of his ashes in a necklace I have on me all of the time, and my aunt gave me his urn with his remaining ashes after we went to our favorite spot and shed his ashes over the Hampton beach ocean where we’d look for creatures and seashells, and said he would have wanted me looking after his ashes out of all his children, because he loved me dearly… And it absolutely KILLS me inside to think that someone could say what you just said, when you don’t know about the people I’ve had pass in my life. And now, I shall go to bed bawling my eyes out, because that hit home harder than anything.”….
Honestly, I’m going to take as many pills as I can to get deep sleep tonight, because I WILL relapse tonight if I wake up from another night terror… I’ve been at my breaking point for over a week and been dangling by a string with the only thing saving me being Derek and thoughts of our future… But I don’t know if that’ll be enough tonight… I really don’t… I’m too broken for this right now, and I really wish I had someone who understands how suicidal I feel right now… But I don’t. I… goodnight… :’(